Ah, the beauty of mixed metaphors...

Ben Affleck, Jeremy Piven and Ryan Reynolds are all going to be in some new movie together. Recently, Reynolds spoke with the Chicago Sun-Times about the movie, describing Piven's character in the film:

"He rubs shoulders with a mobster about to turn state's witness and ends up in Tahoe for a binge of hookers. I'm an FBI agent looking for him. Five assassins are also after him at this hotel casino."

Completely aware of the fact that transcripts of things that I've said in my 25 years on this planet would be chock full of similar such verbal mix-ups, I'm still going to proceed with my planned pointing out of the fact that Reynolds said, "rubs shoulders with a mobster," because I think his description would probably make it a much more interesting movie than what it is actually going to end up being.

The sheer suggestion of Mariah

Even though what I'm about to make is not a very timely observation, I watched Glitter over the weekend and had Mariah Carey on the brain.

Look, I totally get that people would want to have their images airbrushed if they're going to be plastered all over creation, but these days, Mariah is starting to look like she belongs on the hood of an El Dorado.

My favorite store

Whilst perusing Mr. Max Powers blog, I stumbled across an article about a stoned owl, which reminded me of my favorite 99 Cent Store anecdote (the 2nd one being the time Travis almost got into a fight with an old Armenian woman in a bloody battle for parking).

So, I was waiting in line to check out of my favorite 99 Cent Store on La Brea, when a man came up directly to the cashier to get his attention, and said:

"Excuse me, but I think there are some birds flying around back there."

To which the cashier replied:

"Like about 5 of them, right?"

To which, the man nodded, and the cashier continued to say:

"Oh yeah. They've been here for like 2 weeks."

And that, my friends, is how they roll at the 99 Cent Store.

Janice Enjoys Some "Big Fat Dick"

After being stuck in Central Texas for the past 6 months, my old roomie arrived in L.A. for a visit, ready to party his ass off in WeHo. Naturally, we ended up at FuBar, which on Thursday nights is known as "Big Fat Dick."

The night had been pretty tame--a little dancing here and there--some open bar at Obar earlier in the evening and whatnot. So, when we got to FuBar, my ass was nearly ready to head home.

In the midst of dancing near the bar area, I turned around, expecting to see my friend, Mike, and instead found myself face to face with Madame Dickinson. Out of sheer campy joy, I (of course) began screaming, as did Mike and Janice found herself stuck between 2 hardcore ANTM fans who were clearly losing their shit. It was at this point that she grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me and yelled, "That's right! Shake it, bitches!" and continued her journey to the bar.

I wonder if she had known that I had written this, which eventually led to this, would she have opted to throw a slap my way, for good measure? Or thanked me?

I guess we'll never know.

Fantasia Barrino gets jury duty

So, apparently Fantasia got jury duty, which I can only assume must be the kind Pauly Shore had, cause dude, the woman CAN'T READ.

The truth about diamonds...

...is definitely not that Nicole is eating them.

Oh Lisa Marie.

Yes, honey, cause your real weddings aren't fucked up enough as it is.

Props to ye old Duchess of York

I'm all about giving credit where credit is due and I gotta say, it takes balls to pose for a picture, while standing next to friggin' Iman and Naomi. And quite frankly, the bitch is rocking stilletos, ho.

My hats off to ya, Fergie. Now, if we could get your trampy namesake to tone down the skank, I'd be a very happy camper.

Looking into my crystal ball...

I see a really raunchy and completely unwatchable sex tape in this trio's future.

I love that the two tards to the right are flashing what look like lame, made-up gang signs of some sort.

Healthy girls with bulging thighs...not quite as cute

I love that I saw this magazine over the weekend, sandwiched between Maxim and FHM on the newsstand.

Cause nothing says America gives a shit about girls killing themselves to be pretty quite like skinny, busty, half-naked women.

My new favorite celebrity couple to idolize

I used to have this soft spot in my heart for my favorite celebrity couple, which I thought only Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward would be worthy of habitating. Now, it seems that there is a couple whose love for each other is so selfless and so clearly timeless that it looks like Paul and Joanne are gonna have to be evicted from my heart to make room for...you guessed it...Posh and Becks.

I mean, really, isn't the greatest love of all the kind you can buy?

Jennifer, you're kind of starting to test my patience.

So, Jennifer Anniston is apparently suing a photographer for taking topless of pix of her in her house by using a telephoto lens.

Now, I do believe that she is justified. Seriously, taking pictures of someone while they're in the privacy of their own home in their house is just icky and gross.

However, I'm sorry, how much of your breast are these pictures possibly going to show that we haven't already seen on the cover of some magazine?

Well, my grandfather always said...

...if you want to look cute, hang out with ugly people.

That segue was supposed to be in reference to the fact that a friend of mine pointed out to me a recent post from The Smoking Gun with two new castmembers from Lost posted on there for drinking and driving, I think it is.

When you look at the first pic, you think to yourself, "Yeah, Michelle Rodriguez looks kind of shitty--not her best look." However, if you continue to scroll down, to Cynthia Watros' picture, Michelle starts to look comparatively normal. It doesn't even really look so much to me like she's drunk. I imagine that she has really bad germophobia and out of mortal fear of contracting the bird flu, she decided to spend most of her night vigorously scrubbing her face with a brillo pad and bleach.